18
Jul
11

my believer-er is busted.

I had one of those conversations this morning where it was just as amazing as it was painful. I was sitting across from a woman who I greatly admire and respect who is walking some of the very same roads I am walking, and is just a few paces ahead of me in some respects.

She has every reason not to believe. She’s been burned, she’s seen signs and visions come to pass, and lives in a society that says the stats are stacked too high against her. She said God recently challenged her by telling her she wasn’t praying expectantly anymore. Everything she said after that was a blur. I heard it all, but it was swimming around in some pretty heavy emotions that I was starting to have to interface with as she was talking.

I guess “praying expectantly” brings to light the idea that sometimes when we pray, we’re not expecting anything we are praying for. That hurts my heart, mainly because I know it hurts His heart. I can’t imagine how many prayers I’ve prayed without really expecting anything….it was more like wondering…and wondering if God is going to do something is not the same thing as expecting Him to do something. And now that I think about it, hoping falls a little short of “expecting” too. Expecting is for those really bold, brash people who have the audacity to believe such things could happen. But not me. That would be impolite. And rude. And demanding. And assuming.

How contrary to how the mind and heart of a daughter of The King should work.

I am in a season where I think my believer-er is busted. Don’t freak. ”Oh my gosh, the worship pastor doesn’t believe anymore. Gasp!” It’s not beyond repair, but it’s seen it’s fair share of dreams, visions, scriptures, lights in the sky that spelled things out, and numbers that flashed frequently enough that it had to have meant something. I want to cover my eyes and ears sometimes because I am afraid I will believe something that won’t happen. Yep. Something’s busted. And the fact that I have the Holy Spirit within me to recognize that it needs repair is a really good thing.

The problem is I have to believe. If I have the Spirit of God living inside of me, I really don’t have a choice. I know what you’re going to say, I do have a choice. But I beg to differ. My heart can try to not believe, but my heart is inextricably tied to Jesus’ heart, and it cannot be divided. It might bleed and struggle, but at the end of the day the only way my heart can find peace is if it aligns itself with the heartbeat of an all-knowing God. And that alignment comes with expectantly believing that God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do.

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1 Response to “my believer-er is busted.”


  1. 1 mistyjonescbc
    July 18, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    here’s the song that coincided with that conversation I had that day. hope it blesses you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5qlEUayQAY


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